At The End Of A Relationship

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One night I was writing right here at my computer, and I began to feel this pain and agony. I know it was not my poem of justice and pain by laurapain. But I know I felt pain like this in the past. It is a gut-wrenching deep stabbing feeling deep inside of you that won’t go away.

A tremendous feeling that you wrestle with because you know in your heart that you are a good person and you try to be kind to everyone. You know that all of your life you have given and never asked anything in return except to be loved. As this feeling washes over me I wonder if you may be at the end of a relationship.

The perfect person

Then one day you find that perfect person. The one that makes you feel alive. You have looked for her or him all of your life, and you now believe that God has answered your prayers.

At first, all is good. You fall deeply in love and believe this is your soul mate to care for and have a friendship with until death do you part.

Changes Begin

Things begin to happen. All of a sudden, this person is someone else. But it doesn’t last very long, and you believe you may have done something to make it happen. Why else would they all of a sudden flip? This person said you had caused it.

Your self-esteem isn’t always strong. The world believes you are arrogant, but you know that you put on a front because you are never very sure of yourself. So, you always act like you are right and rarely give into admitting wrong. It is an excellent coping skill to cover the pain of your childhood.

Things with the love of your life and you were rough for a couple of days. You thought you were at the end of a relationship but now all is well and running smooth. Never mind that you have to make sure you don’t upset them again. So, you walk around on eggshells for a couple more days.

After a few days, you become yourself again thinking it must have all been a nightmare. But just three weeks down the road your soulmate starts again.

This time you are home, and they arrive home pissed, and it is all your fault. The house isn’t clean enough, or dinner isn’t on the table. You don’t love them. You don’t care. You are the reason they can’t do well at work. Once again it is all your fault.

This time it lasts for a week. You leave for a day or two, but you can’t stay away because you love this person too much. So, you go home and vow to try harder. You work and take care of the kids and make sure the house is clean. You want this person to love you. All you have ever wanted is to be loved.

Marriage will fix all.

The story goes on like this for a few months until you convince yourself that marriage will fix everything. Getting married will take decrease the stress. So, you both plan a big wedding, and everyone attends.

Things go well, sort of well, for a couple of months. Then it starts again. You go for 2 or 3 years like this. You leave, they leave, but you both come back together. Then one day you get the strength to move on.

Extreme Pain-At the end of a relationship

The pain you feel inside is one that you know will never go away. You loved this person with all of your heart. You 2 people arguing. girl facing away from guygave up your whole family to make them feel like they are number 1 in your life.

How will you wake up every morning? How will you go to work? How will you breathe?

The love of your life has found someone else, but you don’t care. You would go back in a heartbeat. You ache, and you can’t sleep. You can’t eat, and you can’t function.

Dysfunction

If you are reading this and I have just painted the picture of your life, then you are in a very dysfunctional life and marriage. You are at the end of a relationship.  If you have children, you can not go back because it is affecting your children also. Regardless of children, you can not go back to this manipulative mentally unstable person.

You did not cause this

You do not cause others to act out. They choose to act and react the way they do. You are not responsible for the anger that another has, and you can not take all the blame and pain in a relationship.

At the end of a relationship, both people in a relationship have to take responsibility for how they feel and how they treat their partner. No yelling or physical violence is an acceptable way for someone to treat you.

You can not make all things better by changing who you are. You are a good and kind person, and you have worked way too hard to make all things OK.
Walking on eggshells will not improve this situation. Bringing yourself down to a degrading level will not make someone love you more. It will, however, cause them and all the people in your life to lose respect for you. You will lose respect for yourself.

God is taking care of you

Forming your life around the wants and desires of another will not make them a better person, but it will cause them to feel like they have the right to put you down all the time. You are unique and need to live who you are inside. God made you in his image. You are a child of God.

When you pray for God to fix the situation you are putting him in a box. God did not say anyone has to live this way. He may be saying you are at the end of a relationship. He did say he will take care of you. Maybe he is caring for you by allowing you to get a glimpse of who you use to be and just how bad things are now.

Find yourself again

It is time for you to step out and find that person who you use to wake up to each day. That person who cared about people, their children, and family. The one who knows what their favorite color and hobbies were.

It is time now this very minute to be happy again. You are at the end of a relationship and it will take time for you to let go of the old and build on the new. It will take time to learn who you are and not who you tried to be to make another person happy. And it will take time to heal.

Are you ready to feel real love again? The kind that comes from the heart and produces peace and puts a smile on your face. Then I urge you to walk away, endure the pain of loss and become you again.

Do not expect to get justice for the loss of time or pain. These types of thoughts will only keep you grounded in the darkness. Letting it go and forgiving will expand your ability to heal.

I am here for you if you have questions or comments. Please leave them in the comment section below, and I will be back with you very shortly.

P.S. I know this is hard, but I also know you can do it!

In this post I refer to the other person as they, them or their. A situation such as this can happen to either gender and I did not want to limit the help I may provide.

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10 thoughts on “At The End Of A Relationship”

  1. Wow, Laura, your words are super powerful, and oh so relatable!  I went through a divorce in 2011 after a 10-year relationship that was toxic.  I became a person that I never thought I would be and hardly recognised myself toward the end.  Forgiving constant infidelities and mental abuse over and over again it’s something I always said that I would NEVER do.  It was a vicious cycle that left me emotionally drained, but I finally built the courage to walk away. Walking was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but definitely the healthiest because it taught me so much.  I am now in a loving healthy relationship because I have learned from my mistakes.  It took a long time but I learned to stand on my own 2 feet and that I deserved to be treated with respect.  Now I will accept nothing less from my partner which is the positive I take from it all.  I can relate to so much of what you say in this article because I too had very little self-worth, but wanting so hard to make it work.  At the time walking away feels like you’re losing a piece of yourself so good for you that you had the bravery to do it, particularly with kids.  I was extremely lucky that I had the back up of an amazing family and friends.  What would you recommend to someone who doesn’t have any support system in place?

    • Rachael, I see that you did do exactly what I suggested in this post. I am so happy you are so strong. Your question, “What would you recommend to someone who doesn’t have any support system in place?”

      It will be difficult for a person with no family support but often the family is out of the picture because it gives the abuser much more control. 

      My suggestion is to find the support of a shelter. There are women shelters in almost every town or a near town. Go to one where they have counseling and people who have been through this. 

      I don’t know if there are men’s shelters so for them I suggest to walk away and cut all ties. Never answer texts or calls. Block the person from your phone and all social media. Do not let them know where you are. Blocking the person will allow you to heal and find yourself again. 

      None of it will be easy but it is always possible. When the person breaks away then they will look back and see how they have grown and how strong they are.

  2. This is the life of so many people that you have just painted and while it’s a captivating piece, there are so many needing to really realize that they are at the end of a relationship and that they need to stop pushing it and let it end for their own sanity. I ‘ll send a link of this to my friend who keeps thinking that he has to go back for the sake of the kids. I had told him severally that it rather affects the kids negatively but he has failed to listen. A lot of people think only females go through things like but there are so many men who experience it but for fear of being thought to not be man enough or for the sake of the kids keep on living this way,with self-esteem totally crushed. 

    • You are so right about this affecting men also. To stay with someone for the sake of the kids harms the kids too. It is so much more difficult when kids are involved. But one still has to become healthy to properly raise the kiddos. If not the kids will fall into the same type of relationship when they grow up. 

      Thank you for sharing. I appreciate you sending this to all who may benefit. 

  3. Looking back it amazes me how many times I stayed too long in a relationship because I think we get “addicted” to the “norm”. It is less scary to be miserable with something we know than to step out into the unknown alone. Sometimes it does take God to help lead us out of that. Some times it comes down to self-esteem and the ability to allow ourselves to know better and be loved. I appreciate you offering to help people through this hard and trying time. What do you think is the first step really for someone to “Fing themselves again?”

    • When someone is with an abuser it is hard to see their way out. Others do not understand how someone can manipulate one person so well. 

      The first step is to begin to respect yourself. Many things will change and the process is many steps at one time. But after a toxic relationship, one needs to do small things like learning what their favorite color is or what type of clothes they want to wear not what someone else whats them to wear. 

      An abused person has lost all of who they are and will need to go far back to see who that person is again. they will need to build a new life of self-respect and self-love. 

  4. I couldn’t agree more with your assessment. Sometimes it takes a great deal of strength to deal with the pain of ending a relationship with someone you’ve built a life and history with, but it’s within us all to acknowledge when it’s time to move on. The pain can be awful, but it passes and then you find yourself thinking about getting back up and trying all over again, hopefully with better results!

    You offer so much insight here and I thank you for it! 

  5. Nice article there on at the end of a relationship. I must commend you for taking your time and writing this article on relationships. I find it so full of information and I hope many find it helpful 

    the first thing I will say from experience is that, there is no perfect person in relationship,at the beginning of relationship everything will be nice and sweet and you fell on top of the world but later in the relationship you will discover some certain things about each other that you or him may not like or tolerate.and at the end whether the two of you are going to stay together will depend sole on prayer and tolerance with patience from each other

    • Thank you for stopping by. I feel you may have missed the purpose of this post. I agree that 2 people will find differences. This is why we date. We need to find out if someone is the person we want to stay within a relationship forever. But this post clearly talks about the toxic and abusive relationship. This is so different from 2 people not wanting to be together. This is about one person manipulating and treating the other very bad. 

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