Moving on from would to could and can I or will I is hard. Maybe you’ve had a bad day or a bad year. You keep doing all the things expected of you, but you just can’t move on. Maybe this situation is uncomfortable for others to hear about, so they say to you, “just get over it.”
You Can’t Just Get Over It
You can’t, “just get over it!” You can’t go from a would to could. If you did you would have to go from won’t to will or from can’t to can.
Now if you are holding a grudge or hatred toward another, then I say to you that you have to get over it. These emotions will destroy you.
But if you are mourning or harmed by another, it is impossible to just get over it. You have to work through the pain and emotions. So, what do you do when someone says this to you?
How I felt
Let me give you an idea of how I feel when someone says that to me. I bet you have some of the same feelings.
My mom passed away seven years ago. It feels like yesterday, and I miss her still. If I am doing something, I think she would like I will think I will call her. Then I remember she is in heaven and I can’t talk to her right now.
But when she was still alive, we moved her into our house with us. She was on hospice and needed extra care. My husband and I both agreed she needed to come live with us. We had so much fun in her last days together.
My mom was a nurse also so she and I would talk freely about her death and how I would be OK because I prepared myself. I thought this way too. Why wouldn’t I be OK? I knew she was going to heaven, and I knew she was ready to go.
Let me tell you that I was not OK! I was lost and devastated. I mourned her for two years. Please allow me to clarify what this means. I felt her loss; I wanted to talk to her; I missed her deep in my soul.
I was functional and continued my everyday activities, but I could not get past the extreme loss. I didn’t smile much, and I didn’t want to interact much with others. I was sad.
So, how did I feel when someone said: “just get over it?” First, I was mad, then sad, then confused and questioning myself. I wondered if I was not dealing with the situation well or if no one else ever felt this way.
Then I would start all over again with the mad. How can someone who has no idea tell me how to act and react? If only I were able to go from could to would. Why would anyone think I wasn’t trying my best to handle the situation?
Then I would be sad and feel sorry for myself. I am trying the best I can. I can’t get over it. It is too painful for me to move on.
Then I was confused and questioning whether I was trying hard enough. Because if can I can’t and if I will I won’t. Maybe that person was right, and I need to “just get over it.”
These times affect all of us
We all have situations like this one throughout our lives. Maybe not the death of someone we love but a time we are slighted, or it is easier to hang onto something painful. After all, if we hang onto it we won’t have to change and even if we could, would we?
What did I do about this? I am not sure I can give you one answer to this question. But I can tell you that I first had to realize that what I was hanging onto was causing me more harm. I had to let it go, but I also had to decide to let it go.
From could to would
See could is the past tense of can and would is the present tense of will. Could is the mind believing that we can’t do it because it is not allowed. I hung onto the mourning process for two years because I did not feel like I was allowed to let it go. If I let go, I betray the memory of my mom.
Or if you have a painful situation in your life and you hang onto it, you are betraying yourself if you let go. A different way of looking at this is; someone abused you, and you keep thinking about it and hanging onto it for years after it has past. If you let it go and work through the pain, then you are releasing that person from the horrible thing they did.
So, if you could, you would let it go. The past is keeping you slave to the present and future of your life. You are choosing not to let go, and you use the excuse of you can’t so you won’t have to heal.
I know this sounds harsh. And those who are ready to move on will see it as a growth. Those who do not want to recover will see it as mean.
That is how I saw it when someone would say to me, “just get over it.” I wasn’t ready to let it go. I wanted to hang onto the pain so I would not forget my mom.
My advice to you
What I say to you is if you want to hang onto it, you have every right to do so. But if you choose to let go of the pain and the fear of losing what you created, then you will be so much further ahead. When the pain is fresh, it takes time to process it and change.
We tend to protect ourselves with the would if I could, but I can’t mentality. So when you are ready to let go just think I will because I can, and I am strong enough to make it through anything I set my mind to do.
If you have any questions or you would like to share an experience I would love to hear your struggle. Please leave a comment in the comments below, and I will be back with you shortly. And remember you are strong enough.