Moving on is so difficult in some situations. It goes from could to would, and so many will say to you, “just get over it.” And all you can think is, if I could just get over it, I would do it.
Maybe you’ve had a bad day or a bad year. You keep doing all the things expected of you, but you just can’t move on. When we go through hard times, it is a challenge for others to listen to us because they want to fix it, and some situations just can’t be fixed.
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you can’t just get over it
You can’t, “just get over it!” You can’t go from could to would. What makes friends think that just telling you to get over it will take care of all the problems?
Let me throw this in here, if you are holding a grudge or hatred toward another, then I say to you that you have to get over it. These emotions will destroy you. You have to make the transition from could to would a conscious effort.
But if you are mourning or harmed by another, it is impossible to just get over it. You have to work through the pain and emotions. So, what do you do when someone says to you, “just get over it?” First, let me tell you a bit about where I am coming from, and then we will get into more on how to deal with the from could to would situation
From could to would in my life
My mom passed away seven years ago. It feels like yesterday, and I miss her still. If I am doing something and want to tell her about it, I would have called her. Then I remember she is in heaven, and I can’t talk to her right now.
But when she was still alive, we moved her into our house with us. She was on hospice and needed extra care. My husband and I both agreed she needed to come live with us. We had so much fun in her last days together.
My mom was a nurse also, so she and I would talk freely about her death and how I would be OK because I prepared myself. I really thought I would be fine when she passed. Why wouldn’t I be OK? I knew she was going to heaven, and I knew she was ready to go.
I was not OK! I was lost and devastated. I mourned her for two years. Please allow me to clarify what this means. I felt her loss; I wanted to talk to her; I missed her deep in my soul. Life was not the same.
I was functional and continued my everyday activities, but I could not get past the extreme loss. I didn’t smile much, and I didn’t want to interact much with others. I was sad. I was in emotional pain. Those of you who have lost a loved one know exactly how I felt.
How I Felt When Friends Told Me To “Just Get Over It”
So, how did I feel when someone said: “just get over it?” First, I was mad, then sad, then confused and questioning myself. I began to feel like I was the only person who had ever gone through this deep mourning.
The emotion of mad would elicit a reaction: how can someone who has no idea tell me how to act and react? If only I were able to go from could to would. Why would anyone think I wasn’t trying my best to handle the situation?
Then I would quickly move into the sad part and feel sorry for myself. I was trying the best I could. I couldn’t get over it. It is too painful for me to move on. What the heck is from could to would anyway. I want to move on, but I just can’t.
After my sadness, I would always move onto confusion and question whether I was trying hard enough. Because if I could just get over it, then I would move on. But then I would wonder if maybe that person was right, and I need to “just get over it.”
Yes, this was a mourning process, and the steps we go through when we lose a loved one. But what right did anyone have to judge me for the amount of time I took or how I chose to deal with the situation?
Why Do we hang on?
We all have situations like this one throughout our lives. Maybe not the death of someone we love, but when we are slighted, it is easier to hang onto something painful. After all, if we hang onto it, we won’t have to change, and even if we could, would we?
What did I do about this? I am not sure I can give you one answer to this question. But I can tell you that I first realized that what I was hanging onto was causing me more harm. I had to let it go, but I also had to decide to let it go.
The word could is the past tense of can, and the word would is the past tense of will. Could is the mind believing that we can’t do it because it is not allowed? I hung onto the mourning process for two years because I did not feel like I could let it go. If I let go, I betray the memory of my mom.
If you have a painful situation in your life and hang onto it, you are betraying yourself if you let go. A different way of looking at this is; someone abused you, and you keep thinking about it and hanging onto it for years. If you let it go and work through the pain, you release that person from the horrible thing they did.
So, if you could, you would let it go. The past is keeping you slave to the present and future of your life. You are choosing not to let go, and you use the excuse that you can’t, so you won’t have to heal.
I know this sounds harsh. And those who are ready to move on will see it as a growth. Those who do not want to recover will see it as unsympathetic.
That is how I saw it when someone would say to me, “just get over it.” I wasn’t ready to let it go. I wanted to hang onto the pain so I would not forget my mom.
how to let go
I say to you that if you want to hang onto it, you have every right to do so. But if you choose to let go of the pain and the fear that has served its purpose, then you will be so much further ahead. When the pain is fresh, it takes time to process it and grow.
We tend to protect ourselves with the past tense of from could to would and use it to fuel the I can’t mentality. So when you are ready to let go just think I will because I can, and I am strong enough to make it through anything I set my mind to do.
You may need to talk to someone who has experience with mourning or abuse to help you work through the process. It is not something you can just get over. It is a situation that requires you to grow and heal.
You can when you are ready and you will because you are strong.
4 thoughts on “From Could To Would-Just Get Over It, they tell you”
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that everyone has a right to hang onto something, but we also have the option have of letting go. I find it interesting how certain things affect people differently. If someone tells you to get over something, I bet you can always find something in their life that they haven’t gotten over or let go. I think the saying “time heals all wounds” is pretty accurate, but I think giving it time only works if you aren’t constantly rehashing the hurt in your head. At some point you have to just work through it even if working through is just letting it go.
Thomas, yes everyone has a right to hang onto whatever they choose. But it may not benefit them and allow them to move forward and heal. Just get over it is a term I would never use to help someone who is in pain but it may be the only way some can handle seeing others in pain.
Thanks for writing about such a difficult topic, I think that we all struggle at times in our lives with difficult situations, even the one’s that we know are inevitable. We all process these difficulties in our own way and at times it can feel pretty lonely. When people say “just get over it” I think that it is generally done out of care and concern for us, wanting us to get the most our of the present and not get stuck in the past.
Articles like this help us to understand that we are not unique in our situation and just knowing that we are not alone in our experiences can help us overcome some of the harder parts of life.
Thanks again for being so open and sharing..
I agree with you and believe you are right when you say that people are only trying to help. Those who love us do not want to see us hurt. You are so right.